(no subject)

so bored, cant we just skip the getting to know each other stage?

that was a metaphor.
god-damn it.

The xmas holiday draws painfully slowly, towards its end. And while this was my favourite xmas holiday for at least five to six years, xmas still is still the annual lowpoint of my year, along with my birthday.

My birthday this year was ace. Thanks to Jamie Lukasz, and TBM.

On New Years eve, about quarter to 12 i asked banks a question i had been contemplating for a few days. How have you changed most during the year. selfishly I forget his answer.

2005 for me, will be, perhaps with hindsight the most important year of my life. I feel like i scraped through, just, or maybe i didn't, maybe i failed the year. Who knows.

2005 was the year when i looked at the bigger picture. I feel that when i started the year, i was a product of a highly unstructured fragmented set of beliefs. Held in place by my 'issues and hang-ups', and the only real change that has occured to me, is that i have mapped these out, i have conencted them, and covered/incorporated them all within a new ideology, one that sits way above previous versions, on the top of a hill, looking down.

It feels like my perspective has shifted, i now look upon myself and this world i inhabit in a different way, a more complex, and more sophisticated way. I was a child before. And now everyday i feel i become more of a man.

Perspective for the good. Perspective has changed my life for the better.

and what caused this change in perspective?

(no subject)

so, yeah.

time passes.

i miss you already.

i've decided i want to leave uni, either now or at the end of this semester re-starting year 2, or at semester two (if i finish semester one) later this year. to be honest im just tired. im bored. im hating life. and it's so hard to get motivated for uni' when im at a place like this. The system won because I blame my decision on not having any money. I'm bored of being constantly broke, shuffling money around, and right now it seems more important than finishing my degree as quick as possible. I do still intend to finish my degree, most of you people are on a four year course anyway, so i wont be behind as-such, and i plan to stay in pompey for the duration of this gap, (it's not practical to live here anyway, and less than nil progress has been made with my mother).

I found 'dookie' thank fuck. it was here (CR2 9LW) all along, damn i must have searched upward of five hours for that damn cd. and i've found it's as comforting as the day i bought it.

Like always Xmas is an emotional roller-coaster for me. Not as bad as it has been before, but fuck Xmas, i could quite happily never celebrate it ever again. Painful memories of divoreces, and family feuds come to mind, and when i conclude this sentence, i'm going to put some sad music on. KidA, today, my weapon of choice.

Everything In It's Right Place.
Remembering back to the summer lows, with lukasz, one day i was listening to 'A Silver Mt. Zion' (not music for the faint hearted). He asked me, 'why do you like such depressing music? such sad music?' to which i replied 'for me it isn't sad, isn't it comforting that someone shares your pain?' for me i put my finger on what the droned violins and scratchy ambience did for me. it shared my pain. I remember back to a time when i tried to describe what this (everything in it's right place meant to me) i think i was with ellie. I don't think! ...I was. i saw the wood hut in the mountains and sum beams from the sunrise streaming through the trees. Happiness. Today I feel Far from that dream.

I think it will be fun to write down everything i think and feel while listening to his album from start to finish. I expect no-one will read it. curently it's 0156. still early.

Sometimes i wonder (not where,) but why the old me went.

The National Anthem
I'm so sober, a drug in its self. This song conjurs up images of my old bedroom. Shit, a whole bunch of memories flooded back to me. One, i cant remember where the furniture was positioned, except for the various positions of my bed. I remember my bed, and being in it. Love hurts CD in my (old) new stereo. wallpapering my room, all the stuff in the middle. Blue on Blue wallpaper, straightlines, and the ide-skating trip in year 7. The first time ross came over, and playing yahtzee with him and my grandma in the front room. The craziness of the moshing that went on at my (alternative) 'leavers ball party' that way more people went to than i really expected. I swear this song is nostalgia juice.

How To Disappear Completely.
The soundtrack to my inner anguish. this is the song of my what ifs, my whys, its both reflective, and emotional. Im often overly self critical. Very much so, not a big deal really, a lot of people are, but when i beat myself up, this is the song i cry too. It opens a channel to my heart. It is sigur-ros influenced without doubt. Its beautiful, sad, yet beautiful (hopefully like the drivel im writing). no words wnt do (what this song does to me) justice. Memories of this song include lookin out onto albert road, cold and sad, staring at the blinking lights of the zebra crossing at 3am, wishing i could cry. wishing for my mother perhaps, maybe i dont even want to admit to myself what the feeling of this song is about for me, perhaps those delicate rumblings are remniscient of my time in the womb, or the safety of it. fuck-knows. i wish i did.

Taking me back a seriously long time, i remember the time where i burnt my hand on my lamp in my room at blindley heath. it was pre-oakwood, it was my birthday (most likely 1995 or 1996) i was with Ryan Golby my then best friend. I cried and ran to the kitchen and told my parents it was the worst birthday ever. my mother was loading the washing machine, down on one knee, my dad was standing at the sink behind her. anytime i said something like that i saw a look on my mothers face. it was as if she failed, she took my unhappiness so personally.

CRacks, in relationships. Oh i remember breaking up with katie beer now. on valentines day one year she bought me this little yellow cuddley-toy, it looked like a yellow totatoe, and when you squeezed it it said i love you. whne we broke up i gave it back to her. i dont know why. the first time i really hugged a girl was with her, i mean properly. everyday i woke up i had butterflies because of her. i gave her a tape. with good riddance by greenday on it. im a loser. i cheated on her with cheryl. The hugs with Katie changed my life. i shared something i had always been to scared to do before. it felt odd, another person, a life, and i was apart of it by mutual choice. Annette, i split with her on valentines day.

in limbo
when my rents split for the second and final time, when the divorce was finally on its way, i went out with annettte, a girl i dumped a previous ex nikki for. she lived really close to where my dad moved out to. that was sucha difficult time for me, and him. i remember his one bedropm flat. i remember the seperation, i didnt even know it but i was torn limb for limb by my parents. they weren't trying to do that. but in not trying to, they made it worse. star trek on sky one, we watched it with dad, while our lives lay in ruins.

fuck everyone. it may all be going wrong, but this song for me is the ONE. the optimistic lift. the only glimmer of hope since the realisation of dream in the first song. I remember the post i made about being at the bottom of the mountains. at the fence, standing with you. i was fucked on cannabis for one of the first 'proper' times. it was so hard to write. i later found out that that post was the first one ian ever read by me. how lucky i was to have written it. to have found, you, wez, james. i dont remember the first meeting with Jamie. God knows how we came to be. but bless his soul, he is my brother. i remember the first meeting with lukasz, down in the langstone bar, eager to get away from the towniness and girls from the block i lived in, i went to the bar with chris and chris (curent housemates) and met lukasz, he spoke little english, i liked that. i liked the barrier that had to be overcome to say anything. i could feel an immediate bond. he needed a english speaking friend, and i latched onto that. i needed someone i could talk to a lot.

Monring bell.
the extreme sports channel was playing in the bar, and lukasz told me about the times he had crashed his dad's car, he had a love for cars and motor-sports, i smoked drum gold for the first time. i had blue rizlas, he had red. i was still a smoking n00b, and he showed me how the blue ones were better. Bob, sparky. Sparky amen. Prayers head your way.

graham stott, year 9 english, i drew a poster for a monster movie, he did star trek, drawing mr spock was a skill of his,

chris, year 7 maths, talking about the first grand theft auto game. nick pittaway, pete miller, racing to the front for the best seats. on my first day i sat next to andrew hayes. i wasn't on the register. natalie burchett, and boyzone. Germany and love. Vallentin Schliefenbaum, Hannah, lena, the kiss that never was because of my mum.

Motion picture Soundtrack
Carlos, i consider a great friend.
The first band practise, me in the placebo tshirt playing linoleum, g on bass, and chris on guit also. before that playing buck rogers to bobby. i always wanted to be a bit more like chris than i was/am. chris has shaped my life more than anyone else in thw whole world. i owe so much to him. after-all i mlisteniong to radio-head arent I? i first got KIDA when bobby gave the cassette back to him, saying it was rubbish. i desperatley wanted to understand what chris liked about it. i wanted to latch onto what he had. I saw RH in south-park with him, i was on the phone to ellie that morning just as we got into the field. i had a watermellon, during the mosh in the supergrass set chris stomped on the carton of juice in his bag. years 7 and eight languagee, charlotte eldridge, the one person i regret not loving more (one of the nicest people i have ever met) i wish... nothing sexual, but the best of friends.

Maybe, maybe. life, question?

so there you go. my thoughts from that album. it was fun and hard to write, i was open and honest, i hope it doesnt bite me in the ass.

love all of you, youve all shaped my life in someway, heads up to steve banks chris ross graham ken adam carlos, tom ryan, wex ian, james lukasz, jamie, pete, the other pete, nick, martin, hayes, annette ellie katie, katy cheryl, charlotte, natalie, another katie, another natalie, little sam, another martin, rhys, bobby, georgina, all those lost, and all those found. people i will remember and hold in my heart forever. you made the best years of my life what they were and are,

forever thankful.

a heartfelt thankyou

sorry stole this from someone (cant remember who)

just for a total laugh i put 'Andy Needs' into google, and here's what i got. (amusing)

1. Andy needs some dancing
2. ANDY needs to appoint somebody to handle the media attention he is starting to get.
3. Andy needs help!
4. Andy van der Meyde impressed on his long-awaited Everton debut.
5. Andy needs some time off from coding.
6. Andy needs a BAD girl to find his focus and replace Mandy.
7. Andrew needs all the prayers he can get.
8. Andy needs to boost his immune system to live.
9. Andy needs some help looking around Manhattan for his Mojo.
10. Andy needs to spend more time with a product before he writes about it.

right now back to my tea (cup of)

(no subject)

The worst things about Andy.

Terrible with money.
Never on time.
Never gives a straight answer.
Pays no attention to time.
Is hard to contact.
Wont do things he needs too.
Wont stop the things he doesn't.

I am such a rock star. Great.